Dude C has hometraining and considers himself progressive. And that makes you friendable, but not datable, and certainly not f*ckable. If I was interested in a professional relationship, I would’ve invited him to office hours or lunch once the school year starts. So there we were talking about the plight of Black girls and boys [he used to be a teacher], the plight of Black men and women and what feminism has to say about it, the vicissitudes of the academy and how to last through it.
Why the two are mutually exclusive is absolutely beyond me. Show him the other stuff.” However much my fellow feminist friends will find such talk problematic, I totally felt her, because these are the pragmatic issues of dating while feminist. Every attempt to express all the reasons why my love affair with the idea of a Ph. is over [numero uno being this whole terrible dating scenario, numero dos being the fact that I’m acutely aware in this moment of just how warm my diploma will not be keeping me tonight] led right back to discussing the Ph. Now that’s partially because the brother is about to embark on the journey himself. But it’s the middle of the summer and at my invitation [because feminists aren’t afraid to ask for what we want] we’re having ice cream at 3p.m. But what I really wanted to talk about was anything but that. Let’s discuss music, sports, dreams, sex, love, food.
You’d make adjustments if you alienated your co-workers and wanted to feel better from 9-5 every day. And a big reason you struggle to connect with men is because you’re so bright. Like many of you, I’m a bit of an intellectual snob.
Now before you decide that you hate me, I’d like you to consider two things: First, does that description remind you of any of the men you’ve dated in the past? On the other you get a narcissistic, difficult, self-obsessed, coldly logical man who is much more concerned with ideas than feelings, and much more concerned with himself than with you.
He respects my intelligence, told me so in not so many words. That’s all the person wants you for—the amazing insight you have, the way you make them think differently, the advice you give. Your body, however, get the short end of the stick.
Said affairs usually start like this: You and a brother meet at an academic event.
Do you think everyone has the capacity to be a leader? I wanna get to know him better.” And if you’re honest, you probably also think, “Wow. I don’t have enough degrees [money, etc, etc].” There are basically three types of dude reactions in this scenario: dude A will ignore you entirely. For you, it’s the start of a beautiful friendship with tantalizing possibilities.He could get it.” The brother sees you and thinks (apparently, and I’m most certainly speculating), “Wow. Dude B the educated, but intimidated jerk will attempt to diminish you to make himself feel better. For him, it is and will only ever be friendship, because he perceives that you are more intelligent and accomplished than he. They can be endlessly fascinating and even more frustrating. And yet you still say you want a man who is smarter than you are. Sounds like a pretty exhausting relationship, doesn’t it? It does mean that you need to accept men who are not in the 98th percentile of intelligence, and recognize that there are plenty of amazing, bright, relationship-oriented men who may not be smarter than you. They have enough information and ammunition to be impossible to argue with. That does NOT mean that you are going to find yourself with a man who has never read a newspaper, who has no interest in foreign travel, or who can’t keep up with you and your friends.